Day #1 Part #2

From day one of our relationship, Arch said that at some point in time he wanted to do research on the flora and fauna in the southern states of the Appalachian Mountains.  I encouraged him with all my heart and soul.  I was his wife and his dreams were mine.  I figured when he was ready to do his research he would set up his computer at our kitchen table and surf the net to his heart’s content.  After our girls were snug in bed, I would spend my evening doing laundry, watching television or reading a book.

I never dreamed he meant to travel to various state parks and hiking trails in South Carolina, North Carolina, Tennessee, West Virginia and Virginia and actually pick the flora and look deeply into the eyes of the fauna.  He even mentioned collecting and identifying samples of what they left behind as the fauna grazed on the flora.  Yikees!

At first I wasn’t sure about all that, but once we were loaded into the motorhome and traveling north out of our beloved Georgia, I thought it might be an opportunity to make memories Petey and LoJ would always remember.  Leaning back in the passenger’s seat and closing my eyes, I sank into the warm glow of serenity and expectation of what laid ahead.

In a particularly quiet dream state, I opened my eyes slightly, but when I saw two familiar old women hitchhiking on the side of the road I squeezed my eyes closed again.  Any thought that I might be dreaming disappeared when Arch slammed on the breaks nearly sending me against the dashboard.

By the time I’d righted myself, he had pulled over and parked the RV.

“No, please, no,” I begged with the same passion I had when my brother, Bobby ran to tell Pop that I’d found and finished off his bottle of vodka hidden in the storage yard.  My brother hadn’t heeded my pleading and neither did Arch.

The sudden stop had startled LoJ, and she wailed at the top of her lungs.  I gave her a cursory hug and kiss, then turned to Petey.  “Stay here.  Please look after your sister.  We’ll be right back.”

I bailed out the door, but I was too late.  Arch was already lugging two huge suitcases back to the motorhome.  As he almost ran past me, he offered a weak, apologetic smile.  Millie and Mavis waved and giggled like kids headed for Disney World.

“What are you two doing out here?  You are two hours away from Sweet Meadow.  How did you get here?”  I knew I was screeching, but I didn’t care.

“Millie and I got to thinking about it, and we think this may be our last chance to have an extended vacation.  So, we had our lovers bring us out here.”

As I always did when they referred to old Coach Henderson and the elderly homeless man who had become the love interests in Millie’s and Mavis’ lives, I experienced a major chill that shutter long and hard through my entire body.

Millie stepped slightly in front of Mavis.  “In case you haven’t noticed, Mavis is getting a little long in the tooth.  She could drop tomorrow.  You don’t want to deprive her of her final wish, do you?”

Mavis shoved her slender body between Millie and me.  “If she keeps talking like that she’s going to die before this ship sails.”  Mavis pointed at the motorhome.  “Anchors away.”  She trotted to the RV. 

Millie hooked her arm through mine.  “Come on, Bertie, this is going to be fun.”

Since I am in shock and pretty much speechless, stay tuned.  I’ll be sure to tell you where I hide the bodies.

Bertie

Day #1 Part #1

            Day #1

Arch rolled his little family out of bed at O Dark Thirty this morning.  The thought that I was totally packed and ready to leave was nothing more than a pipe dream.

“I want Turtle,” LoJ cried as I plucked my baby girl out of a sound sleep.

“Okay, I got him.”  I tucked the stuffed animal under my free arm and pulled her blankie around her small shoulders.

“Mom,” Petey raced passed her sister and me.  “Did you pack my Glee backpack?   It has my diary in it, and I can’t find it.”

“I think I packed it already.  Ask your dad.”

“I’ll die if I can’t find it.”  My little Drama Queen ran out the front door hollering loud enough to wake the dead or definitely loud enough to wake my neighbor and good friend, Barbie.

 I am really going to miss Barbie.  Some times after a particularly tough day, she and I meet in the big oak tree between our houses.  There are two tractor seats nailed to a huge limb hidden neatly out of sight from the rest of the neighbors.  Over the last few years, Barbie and I have spent a lot of quality time “leafing” through “branches” of our lives.  Sorry, I’m a little stressed.

Anyway, I really thought I’d packed everything possible, but each member of my family listed things they couldn’t leave without, and I was supposed to twitch my nose and make it all appear. 

“You were supposed to make a list and help me make sure everything was ready by the deadline of eight o’clock last night.”  My admonishment went totally over all of their heads.

The motorhome’s engine chugged quietly.  I handed LoJ through the open door to her father’s waiting arms.  He took her and then said to me, “Go check the door just to be sure it is locked, okay?”

“Sure.”  I walked slowly, taking a final look at what part of my little home I could see through the minimal light the breaking dawn allowed.  I turned the front door knob and it easily opened.  Good thing Arch suggested I go back and check.   Good for another reason—there on the floor next to Arch’s recliner was his favorite tennis shoes, LoJ’s favorite pink dress, and Petey’s backpack. 

I gathered them and then locked the door.  As I neared the back of the motorhome, it started to move down the driveway.

I ran alongside throwing things in the still opened door.  “Hey!”

The vehicle screeched to a halt.

Instantly Arch appeared at the door. 

“What are you screaming about?”

“I thought you were leaving me.”

“That’s crazy.”  He came down the steps to stand next to me.  “I was just straightening the wheels.”  He took my elbow to help me inside where my girls waited for their lunatic mother.

Before I could take the first step, Arch leaned close and whispered, “Did you remember your birth control pills?”

I gently rubbed my now-twitching eye, then looked around at the small space.  LoJ sat quietly in her car seat belted to the sofa in what could be classified as the living area.  Petey lay across the foot of the bed in what could be called the master suite.  All of which was about 10 feet apart.  I made my way to the passenger seat and shook my head.  “Trust me, I won’t need them.”

Stay tuned,

Bertie  

What I Did On Arch's Summer Vacation

Boy, do I feel like a slug!  At the first of March, I decided to try my hand at blogging.  I typed one blog and then my world exploded as only my world can.   I had no time to blog until tonight.   So, I’ve cracked my knuckles, wiggled my fingers, and headed for the keyboard.

Blog.  Am I the only person who finds that word irritating?  Blog.  Blog.  When I say it, I do the same thing with my tongue that I do when I have peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth.  Blog.  Blog.  Where was I?  Oh yeah.

My husband, Arch Fortney, is the principal at Sweet Meadow High School.  Two weeks ago, on the last day of school before summer vacation, my wonderful, dependable, and ever-steady husband made the announcement that as soon as he wrapped up a few reports for the school board, we were going to rent a motorhome and head out on a month-long vacation.

What?!?!

Had Arch been hit in the head with a stray cafeteria tray?  What could he possibly be thinking?

We had two girls—one a toddler and one who would surely be bored to death stuffed into a motorhome for a month.  I had a business to run.  Oh, yeah, and lest we forget Millie Keats and Mavis Fortney the two royal pains in my butt.  I mean . . . two sweet elderly ladies whom I somehow have become responsible for their over-the-top shenanigans.  They have become responsible for the premature gray hair sprouting willy nilly among my auburn locks.

Well, let me tell you, I decided that Arch’s little trip was out of the question, and we would have to break our summer vacation up into several long weekends perhaps camping, renting a houseboat on the lake, or maybe a trip to Wild Adventures, in Valdosta.  But I would have to put my foot down when it came to being gone from the garage, from our cozy home, from Mom and Dad, and from M&M, the dynamic duo of Sweet Meadow for longer than a few days at a time.

Sooooo, two weeks to the day after Arch’s big announcement, the rented motorhome is packed with clothes for him, me, our girls, LoJ and Petey.  There’s enough food to start a soup kitchen for the homeless, if the need arises.  My brother Bobby has taken two weeks’ vacation to help Pop out at the garage and towing yard.  Of course, my very qualified mechanics and tow truck drivers, Linc and Carrie Sue, will be there at the garage every day.  Millie and Mavis took the news that they would be fending for themselves a lot better than I thought.

I didn’t realize I could so easily be replaced, but Arch had it all taken care of before I could think of any viable reason to say no.  In the morning we will be on our lovely way. 

Stay tuned,

Bertie